Before, I thought that the only sexual orientations were homosexuality and heterosexuality. Then four years ago, I found out that there is such a thing as bisexuality, and even though at first, I doubted that anyone else ever felt attracted towards both sexes but then I soon learned to grasp that there are no limits in love and attraction. Then a year ago I believe, I found out that there are also transexuality, pansexuality and asexuality.  Transexuals are people who identify more with the other sex and not with the sex in which they are born with and who feel that they should be sexually reassigned, asexuals are people who don't feel sexually attracted to either sex at all, and pansexuals are people who feel romantic love or an aesthetic attraction towards other people no matter what their gender or sexual orientation is.

I admire actress Lauren Bacall of the films To Have and Have Not and The Big Sleep. The woman is way ahead of her time, portraying strong, poised and tough-looking yet elegant characters in most of her films. She also has this distinctive voice in her films: raspy and low, almost masculine. She sings in almost a male-like voice but she sings beautifully in both of her Howard Hawks films. She also is so gorgeous and she seems so powerful, queenly and stunning because of her look, the way her eyes pierces through you in her photos and films. She is also the greatest example of the Hawksian woman archetype: the recurring female archetype in Howard Hawks' films that is an outspoken, tough-looking and strong-willed woman who are in the leagues of and can keep up with her male counterpart.

I mentioned at one of my recent posts that hopefully, we (my family, my relatives, our family friends and I) will have the chance to go to Paris and Italy. Apparently, we are also going to Austria and Germany since we have some relatives in Austria, and that's great. I will be able to go to other countries besides my native country, the Philippines, Canada, USA and Bahrain. And let's hope that the two-week trip really will happen next year. I'd go crazy if it doesn't :P. It's really something to look forward to, and it is going to be one of the extraordinary things that might happen to me in this life. I mean, come on, it's going to exotic places you have only seen in the movies, read about in books, and heard about in songs, feeling like you aren't trapped in a single place for the rest of your life, finally feeling like you are a part of something big.

Pardon me if I do sound bitter and pessimistic in this post. I have concluded that I have no special talent. I am average in everything I do, and I have never achieved anything extraordinary, exemplary and well-worth knowing in my entire life. I have high marks at most of my subjects and courses but I have never been one of the most outstanding students or gotten one of the highest marks. Yes, I am good at English but my vocabulary isn't that good and, I admit, is quite limited. I am mediocre at sports, an amateur in creative writing, and ridiculous at public speaking. And if I ever do find out what I am really truly good at in the near future, it's kind of too late since I am already in college and reaching my 20's. I don't even have determination or self-confidence. All I have is passion and this fantasy to be someone extraordinary. Hey, despite the things I said here, I am quite happy and contented of who I am now but I just regret not trying different kinds of things when it was still early and I was younger, instead of bumming out and just promising to do those things later, to find out what are my talents and the other things I am really good at.

I think I have become more insecure than ever. I am very conscious of the amount I eat and what I eat, thinking almost everytime how many calories have I had for the day. I feel very bad whenever I eat a lot or I assume that I have eaten a lot. I constantly check if I have gained weight. I know, it's not a good thing and it might get worse but I just can't help it. It also makes me seem superficial and shallow, I know. Everyone around me thinks it's unhealthy (I do too) and is afraid that I might suddenly get a eating disorder. I assure you guys, I won't have any disorders no matter what happens. It would be more healthy for me if I were to go to the gym or at least use the treadmill everyday but I am too lazy for that and I usually don't have the time. I really need to stop being so insecure and unconfident. I just need to maintain my current weight: not skinny, not overweight. I am trying to play the song Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) by Mika on my head :P, hehe. What? That's such a lovely song with a good message.