Unfortunately, I still have a virgin ass *ehem AVAILABLE ehem* but despite my passivity at times, I am definitely an aggressive gay Asian top (or if you’re really hot, we could do flip-flops instead). Well, I think the title’s pretty self-explanatory. I got the idea from thehumpyoucrew LJ community but made it 25 instead of 20. Pick 25 people (actors/actresses, politicians, band members, people you know in real life, even TV show/movie/book characters for all I care) you fantasize of having sex with or want to have sex with. I didn’t pick any people I know in real life for obvious reasons.

I’d appreciate it if you give a comment. Say yes if this list makes you feel horny, if it makes your penis erect or (for the women) if it gives you a girl boner. Say no if it doesn’t do anything for you.

25. Justin Theroux- He’s hot specifically in his role as the villain in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (completely forgot about the suckass plot of the movie but it’s impossible to forget that scene of him all sweaty around that fire and fighting against the angelic trio). Oh yeah, lick that tattoo of yours, flex those muscles of yours, speak in that fake yet hot accent, lick those rings you so fucking want, stroke yourself, oh yeah that’s the stuff!

24. Charlotte Rampling as Lucia in The Night Porter- I really hated The Night Porter (mostly because of Dirk Bogarde’s assholiness and the film’s political incorrectness) but I really only watched the movie to see a younger Charlotte Rampling in an outfit that resembles one of a dominatrix I can only lust for her if she’s in that outfit she wears for the Nazis and only if she has a whip. It’s only going to work if she puts a strap-on and fucks me and if she spanks and whips me while doing it.

23. Jeremy Irons as the Mantle (mental) twins in Dead Ringers- As one person, he isn’t that hot but if you add a duplicate copy of him (through camera techniques), then you’ve got a feast. In this twisted fantasy of mine, they as twins make out with each other, suck my cock at the same time and fuck each other in front of me. Oh, I’m getting a girl boner. Sick but hey, it’s a fantasy and he has no twin in real life.

22. Yukio Mishima (my essential non-Filipino Asian pick)- I only knew about him from the film Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters but the picture below with him all tied-up is pretty much a reason enough for him to be in my fuckables list. I am getting ideas from this picture. I’ll be the hunter and he’ll be the prey. I’ll tie him up against a tree and I’ll just do whatever the heck I want with that body of his (lick it, blow him, spread some food all over his body, fuck him for all you care).

21. Henry Fonda’s character Charles Pike in The Lady Eve- His orgasmic state while his cheek leans against Barbara’s cheek just wants to make me cum. My dreamboy of course is someone who can be very passive only whenever I want him to: someone shy like me and naive unlike me, someone like Charles Pike in The Lady Eve and The Lady Eve is of course the film that I wished I would have made. I’ll be Barbara Stanwyck’s character. I’ll try to torture him mercilessly by, you know, leaving him at the moment when he gets all horny and play games with him where I’m always the one in control.

20. Denis Lavant’s character in Beau Travail- Why should he lust over a fugly skinhead when he can lust over me instead and I can reciprocate his feelings? Those dance moves in the end + those flexing muscles + those gymnastic moves= a fucking god in bed.

19. STEVE OF BLUES CLUES- Fuck that Patton guy who replaced him. HOTTIE STEVE’S THE ONLY REASON WHY WE EVEN BOTHERED WATCHING FUCKING BLUES CLUES. And from the looks at the pic below, it looks like he’s pretty much into anything with that thumbs up of his. How about some watersports, Steve? How about an orgy, Steve? How about a bukkake, Steve? See, he’s all for it.

18. Christopher Gorham- One of the reasons to fully enjoy Ugly Betty and the only reason to watch that cheesy show Popular. In my sex dreams, he has his eyeglasses on, he’s on top (I’ll make an exception), he’s buck naked with only his necktie on and while he fucks me, I keep pulling him by his tie. Oh my, I’m about to cum.

17. Mae West (my gay icon pick)- ‘Cause we all like big butts and we cannot lie; you other brothers can’t deny. And we all love sassy and clever women. I’ll only feel orgasmic if I am among her boylets and we all have a group orgy, and I also get to get my hands on the other guys’ pants. It’s all good.

16. Ross Schwimmer (inarguably THE ONLY HOT GUY IN FRIENDS)- No to those who still want to argue, Chandler’s a douchebag and Joey can definitely get rid of some of his fats (even though I also like beefy men). I know he seems like a nerd but even with that half-tan of his in that episode, he’s still fuckable.

15. Woody Allen (my Jewish guy pick as well as my director pick)- Two birds in one stone (No, I am no animal killer). Make it three birds since he’s also my geek pick (Animal rights activists are going to get mad at me). Anyway, I know most of you hate him for having a lot of relationships with women despite being geeky but he does have sex appeal (not to mention wit and charm). Of course, he does prefer women but hey it’s my fucking fantasy and I can have anyone I want to. I wonder if he’ll think of sex with me as a Kafkaesque experience (I dunno even if that’s good or bad).

14. Java, that hot guy from Un Chant D’amour- He’s so dreamy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he and the other actors in the film were any of Jean Genet’s lovers. The way they share those cigarette smokes between walls, the way they erotically dance and stroke themselves, it just makes me want to go to prison, (as Michael puts it) “drop the soap and be the belle of the ball”.

13. Brent Everett (my porn actor pick and my twink pick)- The guilty pleasure of them all. He’s already 25 and he’s still a HOT TWINKIE! We’ll make a sex tape (since that’s how he enjoys it), I’ll kiss those kissable lips and mess up that hair of his and we’re going to have some rough sex. He’s definitely the only one in this list whom I am certain that’s game for pretty much anything I ask him to.

12. Coco Martin- the Pinoy guy in those Pinoy “indie” and gay flicks and one of the only few hot non-teen idol Pilipino actors out there. Since he most likely has a smaller wiener than mine and since he can’t get boners over men, he’s definitely going to be the bottom. I must watch Masahista and Jay just for the eye candy.

11. Dennis Trillo- Another twinkie, and this time he’s a Filipino one. He’s my pretty boy pick. Since he seems like the guy whom the guys in prison will find good-looking and fuckable and since he’s pretty much the toy of the Filipino commercial industry, he’s going to be my prisoner. He’ll be naked in all chains and bondage, and I’ll be the dominatrix. He’ll be the one whom I’ll punish for all the misogyny in this world. And when he gets all pouty and all, I wouldn’t be able to resist and we’ll just have gentler sex.

10. STEVE CARELL(!)- This is not even a joke. If you don’t think that he oozes with sexuality, you’re in self-denial and you’re denying yourself the pleasure of admiring that meaty body of his. Although he’s a jerk in The Office, a sexually repressed homo in Little Miss Sunshine and a loser in pretty most of his movies, he’s hot in the most unconventional way. For sick foreplay, I am going to wax some of his chest hair off and just keep the right amount of it. And his business suit in The Office is giving me more ideas.

9. Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters (my gay guy pick and my member-of-a-band pick)- Although I could have easily picked Babydaddy as my bear pick and my daddy pick or Del Marquis, I still choose Shears for his sexy voice (which would help when he talks dirty during sex) and for the reason that I am definitely a lead singer groupie. If I am still not convincing, see: music video of Filthy/Gorgeous. Wonder what he’s got under that towel, rarrrrr.

8. Deborah Kara Unger- I think she’s the only woman I can have sex with alone without any guys around as long as she does it the way she did at one scene in the movie Crash with James Spader (the 1996 one by David Cronenberg, you dickhead) where she imagines him having sex with the other guy Elias Koteas and describes it, like this “Would you like to sodomize him? Would you like to put your penis right into his anus, thrust it up his anus? How would you kiss him in that car? Describe how you’d reach over and unzip his greasy jeans, then take out his penis. Would you kiss it or suck it right away? Which hand would you hold it in? Have you ever sucked a penis? Do you know what semen tastes like? Have you ever tasted semen? Some semen is saltier than others. Vaughan’s semen must be very salty…” FUCKING HOT!

7. Aamir Khan- aside from Lagaan being so cheesy yet entertaining, another reason to endure the three hours of Bollywood musical-cum-sports fun: to savor the Indian goodness that is Bollywood star Aamir Khan. Seriously, I have a thing for hot Indian men. Now if only I had more access to cheesy yet fun Bollywood movies and arthouse Indian films of the 1950s to 1970s, I would be in paradise.

6. Colin Clive- I think I am the only one who appreciates the hotness that is Colin Clive, probably James Whale’s boytoy (I’d like to think so). There’s really nothing hotter than sexually repressed gay men in the early 20th century. He might not know everything there is to know about sex but I’ll be glad to teach him a thing or two. With that sexy voice of his, we can practically just talk dirty to each other and fondle, and I’ll be cumming all over the place.

5. Jon Stewart- my politics pick and my old daddy pick. Come on, you all know he’s mighty sexy even with that gray hair of his; he’s one of the only few that are not well-built and, well, not young, whom I can say is so fucking sexy. Even if he’s no bear with no beard and probably no chest hair, he can fulfill my Oedipus complex (if we do really have one).

4. El Hedi ben Salem- that black dude from Ali: Fear Eats the Soul (my black guy pick)- He’s black so, you know what they say, he’s most likely to have a big cock. Whoever says that size doesn’t matter has a small penis, okay? While watching Ali: Fear Eats the Soul, I just kept fantasizing that I was the old woman having a relationship with him. While watching Fox and His Friends, I just wanted to see him naked again and at least making out with Rainer Werner Fassbinder. I just couldn’t help grabbing myself while watching some of his scenes in Fassbinder’s movies. Fassbinder really knows how to please the gays.

3. Zachary Quinto- my unshaven thick-eyebrowed pick. To everyone who keeps teasing about my thick eyebrows XD, thick eyebrows can be pretty hot too, you know. No, I am not into psychopaths. I am into sweaty hairy geeky well-built psychotic people though XD. I’ll just rip his T-shirt off… let him blow me with his unshaven face and facial hair… suck his nipples off… and just let him fuck me until he comes… Ahhhh… I really do need to get laid as soon as possible.

2. Rock Hudson- my neat closeted guy pick and the only reason to wish that I was Doris Day or preferably Jane Wyman. If I were in the same generation as him and if I were in the same league as him, I’d show him all the glorious things of being an openly and sexually liberated gay man (by that I mean, all the free gay sex he can have with me).

1. Brad Davis as Querelle- a pickpocketing drug-dealing amoral masculine hot badass sailor who is willing to have it in the ass in a steamy and suffocating environment. Sign me up as a sailor, and I’ll never set foot on land again with Brad Davis in his seductive sailor suit always around. I have discovered my fetish for sailors after watching Querelle.

Didn’t make the cut:
* Jeff Goldblum- supposed to be my Jewish guy pick; still hot as heck though
* Julian Rios- my porn actor pick but he makes me seem hypocritical about my opinions about straight porn
* David Bowie- he oozes with sex that no one else in this list will be able to compare to him.
* Lucy Liu- I couldn’t find a picture of hers in that dominatrix suit of hers in Charlie’s Angels
* Buster Keaton- I couldn’t find a really sexy picture of his
* Mohinder Suresh- supposed to be my Indian guy pick but we’ve enough of Heroes, haven’t we?
* John Tartaglia- that guy from Avenue Q
* Neil Patrick Harris- he’s a homo too! we’ll get stoned, imagine unicorns and have great gay butt sex
* Julianne Moore- “Are you my mom?” (Rollergirl from Boogie Nights)
* Alain Delon- supposed to be my French pretentiousness pick. SEE PURPLE NOON!
* Marcello Mastroianni- I wanted to have an Italian guy in the list but no space for him, sorry. I wouldn’t seem so shallow with him on the list though.